Dogs are great. They are lovely and great. We love them, well a lot of us do, and that’s great. But they are dogs. They like affection, they like walks, they like food. They’re dogs. They have personalities for sure, they get excited for sure, but they are also animals. Sometimes, as humans, we can be idiots.

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Pictured: Idiots. And a child who can’t really be held responsible for being an idiot. They’re a child, at least they’re not sexting or taking a gun too school or something these kids are doing these days.

Well, they’re not idiots, they have a hobby I don’t like so I’m dismissing them. That’s not really fair. It’s not that they’re idiots, it’s that what they’re doing is stupid. But we all have our stupid. This isn’t my stupid, but I suppose I shouldn’t judge. I have my own stupid: sometimes I listen to Katy Perry, I watch films that are not clever, that are not interesting, that are just, I duno, nice. I watch American talk shows, I watch them giggle around and say nothing of value or insight. So who am I to really judge.DOG5_2760423c The original caption for this picture was ‘Betty the high-maintenance maltese nibbles on a doughnut as Alfie licks his lips’. How annoying.

But what can you do for you dog for it’s birthday? Well, here are some ideas.

  1. A Doggy Birthday cake! 

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That’s right! A birthday cake for your dog! Not a normal cake obviously as that would probably kill your dog and though dying on your birthday adds a nice symmetry to your life it still kind of sucks because your dead and so can’t appreciate that symmetry. Though of course even a live dog can’t appreciate such an abstract form of symmetry, just like a live dog can’t appreciate the idea of a birthday. As John Bradshaw, the anthrozoologist and author of ‘In Defence of Dogs: Why Dogs Need Our Understanding’ helpfully says: ‘Dogs don’t have a concept of time, so anniversaries don’t mean anything at all’. But a dog can understand the idea of food that it likes. So how do you make a dog a cake? Well, lets listen too professional dog cake baker Cheryl Alford:

‘Dogs don’t have enzymes in their blood to break down any fats that solidify when they’re cold and so it’s not advisable for them to eat butter or lard.’

Right, so its all got to be grains and stuff.

2. Doggy Ice Sculpture

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This is an odd idea. But why not have your pup immortalised in some of Glacial Art’s Ice Sculptures. Because what better way to celebrate your dog than an Ice Sculpture right? And we all know dogs don’t recognize themselves in mirrors, but would they recognize themselves remade in ice? Well?  The only way to find out is to get them their very own ice sculpture of themselves on their birthday. That’s what a real friend would do. Apparently. So there.

So theres two things people do, but what are we really talking about here? We know that dogs don’t understand the idea of birthdays, or the idea of time. We know that they don’t care about their age and the passing of their years. What do dogs care about?

“it’s contact with people that is the number one reward in their lives,’ Bradshaw says. So a game of ball in the park would probably please them more. ‘I would have thought dogs would find this sort of thing moderately bewildering,’ Bradshaw adds. ‘When you get a bunch of dogs together that don’t know each other very well, they have all sorts of intentions, not necessarily just sitting around wearing a party hat.'”

From ‘Parties for pooches: what goes on at a dog’s birthday party

Much like people, dogs don’t really want the party for the party. They just want to be engaged with, they just want to played with, they just want to be loved. And fed. They mostly just want to be fed.